Very depressing practice tonight. During a scrimmage, I watch one team defend a corner and am utterly appalled. As the ball comes into the box, not a single defender is doing anything to upset their direct opponent. Nobody is pulling a shirt, nudging a guy in the ribs or, even, my personal favorite, kneeing an unsuspecting striker in the back of the thigh. I blow my whistle and erupt.
‘What is this?’ I shout. ‘Some sort of wuss convention. Where is the foul play? Where are the dark arts I spent hours teaching you last season?’
They all look to the ground sheepishly, obviously ashamed at having forgotten some of the best coaching I’ve given them. I proceed to give a refresher course in the myriad ways defenders can torment offensive players at corners. I grab the biggest kid on the attacking team and offer a tutorial in just how to dish out sly punishment.
I start by elbowing him in the ribs. A little too hard judging by how winded he is. Then I demonstrate the simple shirt pull. I can sense they are hanging on my every word. It’s all coming back to them. After kneeing the kid in the back of the thigh so hard he goes down in a heap, I have to find a replacement for my latest trick.
Using this new foil, I coolly demonstrate the art of biting into the back of the opponent’s shirt collar while holding your hands out wide in the crucifix position for the ref’s benefit. They’ve never seen this method of stopping a run before and are very obviously impressed at the extent of my knowledge of the beautiful game. First kid to use it in a game will be an early candidate for my MVP.
where'd all the postings go??? Are you on an international break?
ReplyDeleteyeah, what are you doing these days? coaching youth soccer or something? I need your blog to laugh and cope with my own team's dramatic parents.
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