The church of the blessed iPad

Catch a lucky break on the way into church this morning. I spot a 10 year old kid with an iPad that he is using to watch the Community Shield between Manchester United and Manchester City. God bless his lazy parents for allowing him to bring it with him.

‘Let’s sit here honey,’ I say to wife who looks only slightly suspicious as I slide up next to the boy and his family.

She’s so busy looking pious and holy she doesn’t notice that I’ve settled into a spot that allows me a full view of the second half from Wembley Stadium.

I give the kid a discrete thumbs-up and in a very Christian move he even offers me one of his ear-plugs. I decline. Just seeing the rest of the game is a bonus enough for me and catching me listening to the broadcast might be a provocation too far for the wife.

It’s by far the best religious service I’ve ever attended. Rather than dragging on and on, the time flies. Okay, once or twice, I nearly mess up by failing to stand up and kneel down at the correct moments. For the most part though, I perfectly juggle faking interest in the activities on the altar with marveling at United’s comeback. At least until right at the end.

The priest is raising his trophy up on the altar just as Nani breaks clear to score the winner.

‘Yesssss!!’ I roar, jumping up and punching my fist in the air.

The whole church turns to stare and the priest makes his best biblical attempt to turn me to stone just as I turn to high-five iPad kid. Then his mom gets mad at him and my wife glares and glares and glares at us both. Small prices to pay for getting to watch a great match. Sometimes you have to take one for your team.