The league of extraordinary dictators

Still reeling from the appointment of the German as our national coach (notice not a word from Obama on this outsourcing!), I decide not to bother emailing Sunil Gulati about the lack of native candidates interviewed for the position and to concentrate on my own team. I’m more determined than ever to show the authorities that a grass-roots appointment like me would have been the best way forward for USMNT!

A few weeks back, I filled in all of the necessary league forms for the forthcoming season. In the box asking which U-11 division I felt my team should play in, I asked to be kept at the same level even though we won almost every game of our last campaign. I attached an explanatory note pointing out that we’d be losing a lot of key players and will be a lot weaker so we shouldn’t be promoted up a level.

The thinking behind this very blatant lie was simple. I want my now even stronger team in a division where we can beat up on opponents every week, not play competitive matches against our equals. Do you think these players will learn anything from eking out 1-1 ties against sides of comparable talent to them? Do you think parents want to watch their sons playing out epic 2-1 close encounters when they could be watching them trample weaker kids by six and seven goals every Saturday morning?

Despite what the, ahem, genius running the USSF might think, I’ve been around this game long enough to know the answer to those questions. Imagine my horror then when I log onto the league website this morning to find the dictators running the league have promoted my team up not one but two divisions! Thankfully, the benevolent despots offer all coaches the chance to plead their case if they feel their team was wrongfully assigned. I throw back a coffee and type in his address.

To: guywhorunstheleagueandobviouslyhasnolifeandnoclueaboutcompetitivesoccer@league.com...