Run baby, run

Like a lot of good Americans, I always want to do something life-affirming on our national holiday. This morning, I decide the best way to get out of having to accompany wife to some Independence Day brunch is by participating in a Fourth of July 5k race in the town next door. As I shuffle around at the start line, I realize it’s also a chance for me to compare how my premature mid-life crisis compares to those of peers who look equally determined to make fools of themselves today.

With the temperature closing in on 90 degrees, the going is tough. Thankfully, as we approach the one mile mark, there’s a water station. Aside from a woman dishing out paper cups of water, there’s also a kid with a hose. Not just any kid either. As I get closer I recognize it’s ____, one of my players. Well, one of my substitutes. He’s asking runners whether they want to be sprayed as they go past.

‘No need to spray me,’ I shout as I get closer.

He just smiles but as I go past, unbelievably, he aims the hose at the side my head and blasts me full on. I’m drenched.

‘Oops sorry,’ says the fresh brat. Obviously I’m too into the race to waste time stopping but make mental note to reduce his playing time from five minutes a game to two next season.

Worse is to come. The last mile is mostly uphill and I’m struggling badly in the heat. Luckily, there’s nobody around so I’m at least suffering in solitude. Until the last 150 yards. That’s when I hear the unmistakable sound of another runner looming behind me.

The footsteps get closer and closer. I try to accelerate away but the legs are gone. Finally, my nemesis comes up next to me

‘Hi coach.’ Another of my players. Another of my least favorite players. I didn’t know ten year olds were allowed in this thing. I’m just about to reply when he sprints away, turning as he does so to blow me a kiss. Much to the delight of the hundreds of people gathered along the home straight.

Even more embarrassingly, they continue to applaud and cheer him as he puts his foot on the gas on the way towards the line. As I shuffle across after him, I don’t even notice my finishing time. I’m too busy plotting how to wreak revenge on that boy at future practices.