‘What’s up?’ he replies.
‘It’s personal. I just need some time.’
‘You gotta give me more than that,’ he asks in the tone of somebody who is now a friend rather than an employer.
‘It’s the United States Soccer Federation. They’ve broken my heart.’
‘What have they done?’
‘They’ve only gone and outsourced the management of our national team to a German.’
‘No? Who is this guy?’
‘Jurgen Klinsmann.’
‘Does he know anything about the game?’
‘Well not as much as me of course. I mean, he was a half-decent player in his time, I think he won a World Cup, and he was really, really good at diving.’
‘Why would they opt for him over somebody like you though?’
‘See, as a newcomer to the game, you won’t know this but American soccer is a place where accent trumps ability. If you speak in the clipped tones of somebody for whom English is a second language, it sounds much more impressive than if you have a regular New York accent.
‘No way?’
‘Oh yeah and this rule applies at all levels of the game. Give parents a choice between two equally qualified coaches, one from Europe, one from the mid-West, and they’ll always opt for the European. It has always been this way and now, thanks to Sunil Gulati and the USSF, it’s going to be so for evermore.’
‘Why?’
‘Because the first rule of American soccer is the foreigner knows better.’
;So this German guy, Clingfilm or whatever, will he do a good job?’
‘Not on the available evidence. His only successful spell as a coach came when he had a bright assistant who was the brains of the operation called Joachim Low. Once he doesn’t have Low, he’s clueless.’
‘But why have they gone for him?’
‘Have you not been paying attention? It’s simple. The accent. If in doubt, always go for the accent. He may not know what he’s talking about but it will take people a lot longer to figure that out!’
‘Take a half day, coach,’ says the boss. ‘Take more if you need it. Don’t let the USSF grind you down.’
At least there’s somebody in the world who feels my pain today.
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