As our first goal ripples the net, I turn to look at the expression on the opposing coach’s face. Like a prize fighter, I want to see the hurt in his eyes. One slight problem. He’s not even looking at the game. He has his back turned on the play and is kicking the ball around with his four year old son. No, seriously. I kid you not.
It gets worse. When we score our second ten minutes later, a sweeping move involving two horrendous tackles, a long ball over the top, and one particularly sly push in the back, he’s still not looking. He’s actually fumbling in a lunchbox by the bench, getting a juice box and some fruit snacks for the same child.
What an insult to my boys and my coaching! He didn’t even witness our brilliance. Eventually, I can take no more. I call the ref over.
‘What is the rule about having kids on the sideline?’ I ask.
‘Eh, there’s none, not that I know of,’ says the ref. ‘I think it’s allowed.’
‘It’s fine, is it?’ I reply. ‘It’s a disgrace. An embarrassment. You should be carding that coach.’
‘Well, I can’t card him because he’s not actually doing anything.’
‘Exactly. He’s not even paying attention.’
As this contretemps is going on, the other coach is oblivious, too busy sending the four year old onto the field delivering water to the players. If that’s not a cardable offence I don’t know what is.
We canter to a 6-0 victory but the gloss is taken off the result for me by the behavior of the opposing coach. I take this job seriously and I can’t stand when other coaches demean what we do by turning it into some sort of take your child to work farce. It's not meant to be fun.
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