A mandatory meeting of all our club coaches tonight. It’s all player development this, character building that. Usual waste of time. Some outside expert from the USSF is droning on about having to make sure every player gets enough touches of the ball during practice to improve. Like that’s my job? Sorry, I thought that was the kid’s own responsibility to work hard and get the ball for himself. What kind of motivation is it if I guarantee every ten year old the same amount of touches at every session?
I bite my lip for the longest time but finally I can take no more. During the Q and A session, I put my hand up and the club president suddenly looks kind of nervous.
‘Did you say you are from the USSF or the USSR?’ I ask the guy, and the laughter from the floor makes him blush.
‘I don't know what you mean, I'm from the United States Soccer Federation,' he says, sounding rattled.
‘Well, only a soviet sleeper would be promoting the kind of socialism you are talking about.’
‘It’s not socialist,’ he says, his voice rising.
‘Okay, everybody getting equal touches of the ball without having to work equally hard for them, sounds like socialism to me.’
‘No, no, no! I’m promoting coaching the kids the right way so they have the best chance to improve over time.’
‘Really?’ I ask, playing to the gallery who are enjoying his discomfort.
‘Look, this is the best way to teach the game,’ he continues. ‘The more kids touch the ball the more comfortable they get. This is the most common coaching philosophy all over the world.’
‘Okay, you are telling me the boys in Brazil or in Germany are being guaranteed touches of the ball at practice. I don’t think so, comrade.’ More cheap laughs at the comrade jibe.
At that point, the club president jumps up and announces the Q and A session is over. And our friend packs away his notes and no doubt heads out to report back to his handlers in Moscow.
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