Employment prospects looking up

Bored at work this morning, I decide to kill two birds with one stone, start my search for a new, more fulfilling job while also venting my anger at the way some fans and pundits are actually “celebrating” the United States’ 1-0 victory over Panama last night. Why anybody thinks it’s a good thing we eked out a win against a country with a population of under four million people is beyond me?

It takes surprisingly little time to find an email address for Sunil Gulati, President of the USSF. I figure I might as well bypass the HR department and contact him directly. Save time for all involved.

Dear Sunil (hope you don’t mind me dispensing with formalities since we are all part of the soccer family),

I’m not sure whether you’ve formally advertised the position or not yet but obviously since the national team job is about to become vacant, I’d like to throw my hat in the ring early. You may not have heard of me. I’m one of the game’s best-kept secrets, one of the unsung heroes, working at the coal face, tending the grass-roots.

I may appear to lack professional experience but I’ve plenty of experience dealing with huge egos and people with a sense of entitlement (mostly parents in my case but it’s the same type of thing as pros coming back from European clubs with fancy notions about passing games etc). I’ve a winning record at U-10 level and a growing reputation for not suffering fools, on or off the field.

I’m a strict disciplinarian and guarantee no player will ever leave my squad in the middle of a tournament to attend a wedding, not even if it’s his own. Ask any parent how I deal with excuses like First Communion. Though currently childless, I’ll never pick my own son to start for the team, and promise I won’t come off like or dress like an angry gym teacher on the sidelines during games like the current guy.

Furthermore, I will always pick the players with the best reputations to start for my team regardless of their current form. No point punishing somebody for having several bad games in a row by putting them on the bench in favor of younger, more in-form players. Where’s the sense in that?

I have a few radical ideas to improve morale too. All prospective internationals born outside America or inside America to foreign parents will be subjected to a rigorous citizenship examination and/or an interview by Fox News Channel’s Sean Hannity (he’s very good at figuring out who is or is not a great American).

Anyway, we can discuss these at the interview (I presume we’ll have to have one just for the sake of propriety).

Yours in Sport,

Travel Team Coach