Teenage kicks

Can’t believe my luck today when the referee doesn’t show up for our top of the table clash with our biggest rivals. As per league rules, we must play the game using an agreed-upon replacement official. Our opponents nominate a high school senior and it’s all I can do to prevent myself from smiling at them being so naïve as to improve our chances like this.

I start the verbal abuse early and often.

‘Why don’t you wear one of their shirts altogether ref?’

‘Why don’t you start kicking the ball for them too while you are at it ref?’

‘Keep playing boys, just ignore the fact the other team has an extra player!’

It’s a great feeling knowing I can shout with impunity and not risk incurring the wrath of the league authorities. Of course, there’s a method to my madness. Pretty soon, the teenager starts giving all the 50-50 decisions to my team. He disallows a goal against us, allows one of ours that was about a mile offside to stand and generally does everything I would have liked him to do.

At half-time, the opposing coach accosts me.

‘You have to stop shouting at the ref!’ he says. ‘He’s only a kid doing us a favor.’

‘Doing you a favor more like,’ I lie. ‘I don’t see him doing any favors for my team.'

He tut-tuts and walks away and I take this as my cue to up the ante in the second half.

‘Did you forgot to put in your lenses ref?’ An oldie but always worth bringing out of retirement.

‘There are two teams out there ref in case you didn’t notice!’ A standard-issue classic.

‘Have you swallowed the whistle ref?’ Useful every time they make a tackle however innocuous.

‘You’re reffing this game kid, not playing in it!’ Makes him blush every time.

By midway through the second half my job is done. The teenager hasn’t given a single decision against us and we are on our way to a comfortable 3-0 win. At the final whistle, in a move that says more about him than me, the opposing coach refuses to shake my hand. Some people obviously just don’t get the concept of sportsmanship.