Professor of the Dark Arts

Last practice of the season tonight. Obviously, there’s no slacking off. If we win our game tomorrow we win our league and since our opponents have the same number of points as us, it should be a clash of the titans. I’m taking no chances and devote much of this session to teaching the kids some practical measures to use when nursing a narrow lead in the second half of a crucial game. I start by going over some basic time-wasting measures.

‘When the ball is near the touchline and you need to clear it what do you do?’ I ask.

‘Hold onto it and look for a pass to a better-placed team-mate,’ answers one kid, obviously trying to be funny.

‘No,’ I shout. ‘You kick it long and hard into the next field. Forcing them to go get the ball, thereby wasting more time on the clock.’

I can almost see the lightbulbs going off in their heads as they begin to see the method to my madness.

‘If you get any sort of kick on the leg in the last ten minutes, why does it make sense to go down as if you’ve been shot?’

Puzzled looks all around. They are not quite getting this yet.

‘Because the ref will tell you take a knee while I come on to treat the injury. Hey presto, another minute or so gone off the clock.’

Smiles all around. It’s gratifying to see the looks of recognition break across their faces.

‘Another smart move is to take a throw-in even if you know it’s for the other team.’

‘Why?’ a couple of them ask. I love when they display this eagerness to learn.

‘Because then the ref will stop play and make the throw be retaken. Another 30 seconds down.’

‘Coach,’ asks the son of the college professor, ‘you are basically teaching us the dark arts of the game here.’

‘The what?’

‘The Dark Arts, like in Harry Potter. At Hogwarts.’

‘Yeah whatever,’ I say, trying not to give the bookish nerd any encouragement although I do like that description. Professor of the Dark Arts has a certain ring to it.