The English are coming

Serious case of the Monday morning blues. Still hurting from the cup final defeat and the treachery of the kids placing their own fathers before their coach. Wish I was having more try-outs so I could cut the ring-leaders from that operation. Matters take a turn for the worse when boss hands me a file marked “urgent” and tells me I should work through my lunch if necessary. As if.

At lunchtime, I refuse to eat with my colleagues because they are too upbeat. I sit in the park on a bench with a wrap, wondering where it all went wrong in the cup final until I get rudely interrupted.


‘Hey coach, how you doing?’ It’s the mother of one of my players. I call her too-impossibly-cheery-for-words mom, an irritating woman who’s always bouncing on the balls of her feet as if ready to run a race.

‘Hello.’ I give it the whole downbeat tone hoping this will discourage further conversation. No chance of her deciphering that signal.

‘Coach, you’ll be delighted to know that I’ve just signed ____ up for a summer soccer camp. Not just any summer camp either. It’s being run by Manchester City from England.’

‘I do know where Manchester City are from,’ I respond, wondering whether to point out they are the New York Mets to Manchester United's New York Yankees.

‘Isn’t that great? I mean they are bringing coaches with them from England and it’s got a great reputation. He’s bound to learn a lot.’

I can’t decide whether to finish chewing the piece of chicken in my mouth or to spit it out. I go with the spitting out. Better dramatic effect. She takes a step back as some of the detritus comes very close to splattering her shoes. Then I let fly.

‘What do you mean he’ll learn a lot? Is he not learning enough from me? Are you saying the English coaches are better? What do they know? When was the last time England won the World Cup? When was the last time England did anything in the world game?’

‘Didn’t they invent the game?’ she asks in that way too perky for Monday voice.

‘Yes they did and they have done very little innovative with it since,’ I say, standing up and getting ready to march off. ‘If you wish to expose your kid to inferior coaching with an accent, that’s your decision. Just warn the kid not to bring any of his bad habits from Manchester City to my team!’

I stride back towards the office, suddenly in a much better mood.