A modest proposal

Rumor sweeps the office this morning about more job cuts looming. This sends everybody into a panic. Except me. Obviously I’m happy that I started building my tunnel out when I sent my job application to Sunil Gulati before the Gold Cup Final debacle. Way to get in ahead of the pack. Instead of working on yet another “urgent” project for my boss today, I start toying with my presentation for the inevitable job interview with the USSF. Begin putting together a document tentatively titled: 'Simple steps for improving the American game'.

1.      Ban parents from driving kids to games and practices. This encourages laziness. By walking to and from games, they develop a hunger and passion for the sport while also improving fitness and work ethic.

2.      Ban parents from games altogether. How often do coaches that know everything about soccer (like myself) see their instructions countermanded by parents on the other sideline, shouting stupid orders like ‘Pass the ball’ and applauding mistakes with platitudes like ‘next time, next ball’?  

3.      Have try-outs earlier. The sorting out the gifted from the dross process must start earlier and earlier. Evaluating five and six year olds is the way forward. The best can carry on with the sport, the others can be cut and told to start taking steroids in preparation for careers in baseball or professional cycling or whatever.

4.      Deport all foreign coaches. Controversial I know but the scourge of the accent is killing the game here. It’s not just how they speak, it’s the knowledge they try to impart with their ludicrous attempts to create mini-Barcelonas. This is a menace blighting our game.

5.      Stamp out the culture of rewarding mediocrity. Ban participation medals (take this to Supreme Court if necessary) and remind coaches it’s not their job to give valuable playing time to mediocre players at the expense of the truly talented. This is especially critical with kids under the age of 10 who need all the time on the field they can get.

That’s as far as I get before my boss, who’s turning into a serial lurker on my shoulder, starts hanging around my cubicle rather menacingly. The presentation is a work-in-progress but at least it keeps me from getting all obsessed about my future like so many of my colleagues.