Sometimes it’s stunning how petty the wife is. The moment I walk into the kitchen this morning she’s on the warpath.
‘Did you take my iPad with you to practice last night?’
‘Are you kidding me?’ I lie. ‘Why would I do that? To kick it around?’ Not a bad line to come up with under pressure.
‘Because I warned you specifically not to and, lo and behold, when I came in from the gym last night it had a mud stain on the cover.’
‘A mud stain on the cover? Eugghh! That sounds disgusting.’
‘Yeah, and I wonder how it happened.’
‘Me too. Who gets a mud stain on their iPad?' Still brazening it out to the last.
‘My question exactly,’ she says, now marching around the counter with the iPad clutched to her chest like she’s comforting a child after a fall.
‘You sure it wasn’t chocolate that melted?’ I ask. ‘It’s pretty hot out there and you always keep some spare chocolate in your car.’
I’m quite proud of my ad-libbing and my ability to maintain a straight face while lying through my teeth, not to mention casually mocking her chocolate habit.
‘No, it is not chocolate!’ she screams.
‘Well if it’s not chocolate then this is quite a mystery.’
Silence then and some rather intense staring me down.
‘It’s not a mystery at all actually,' she says, her tone suddenly changing to that of a prosecutor about to produce a smoking gun.
‘Why?’ I ask nervously, fearing where this is going.
‘Because I went through the history and found some stupid YouTube videos of soccer. Between that and the mud stain, I think there’s enough evidence to convict. Who’s so dumb they forgot to erase the history?’
As she finishes the question, she holds the iPad at arm’s length as if showing it to some imaginary jury. This is a woman who watches way too much "Law and Order: Winning Domestic Arguments in the Mornings unit".
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