Parental advisory

Given that it’s the night before a crucial league game tomorrow, I’m already on edge when the doorbell goes this evening. My mood improves when I see it’s the club president, obviously calling to wish us luck in the big showdown.

‘Coach, we have a problem,’ he says rather ominously when he sits down in the kitchen.

‘Really?’ I ask, figuring he’s got on that mock-serious face as part of some elaborate gag.

‘One of the parents has made a complaint against you,’ he says, somehow still maintaining that straight face.

‘Let me guess,' I say, playing along, 'it’s about making the boys run around in the heat.’

‘Eh, no, it’s not actually. It’s far more serious. They are alleging you showed the kids some inappropriate content on your iPad.’

‘What?’ I get up from my stool and start storming around the room. ‘What do you mean?’

‘I shouldn’t be even here because this will have to go through legal channels but I think the words the mother used were “inappropriate content that corrupted her boy and thieved him of his innocence”. I must caution you that this is incredibly serious.’

I just stand there, stunned. These helicopter parents really are the pits.

‘Now, I have to ask you, what exactly did you show them?’

‘All I showed them was a selection of the greatest handballs in soccer history.’

‘And that’s it?’ he asks in a tone that suggests he doesn’t quite believe me.

‘Yes, I swear to you. That was it.  Henry, Maradona, a selection of brilliantly-taken if slightly, morally dubious goals?’

Well, that’s an enormous relief,’ he sighs. ‘I think I’ll be able to sort that out.’

‘Good.’

‘Can I just ask you something though?’ he says as he walks out the door.  ‘Why did you show them those goals in particular?’

‘Isn’t it obvious? Kids are never too young to learn that crime pays.’

For some inexplicable reason, he’s laughing at this as he goes out the door.